How do you know?

11 Aug

When you are dating someone for sometime, how do you know when it’s worth taking the “next step?” Now this “next step” can be moving in together, getting engaged, moving cities/states.. whatever.  It’s a bigger committment than what you’ve already had.  The question has been heavy on my mind lately, as I wrote in an earlier post, I do have 2 friends both recently engaged. With Friend A, they have a great relationship, they have that connection you look for.  So, it was no surprise that he was the one that made the move and popped the question.  With Friend B, they have a more common relationship I should say? If common is the right word.  I don’t believe they have that connection but they are happy enough with each other when things are going well.  She was the one though that had to kind of persist and pursue the whole engagement but he did eventually surprise her and propose.  Now to be fair, this is the same relationship I mentioned in the earlier post that does have infidelity in it so really it makes sense why their relationship just doesn’t seem ideal to me. Now I have another friend, Friend C who recently decided with her boyfriend that they were going to make that “next step” and move in together.  There is no engagement between them. They’re just ready for a bigger committment.  They picked out an apartment, started buying stuff in preparation for it (they’re on a waiting list), but now it seems that he might be getting cold feet about the whole thing and he mentioned that to her.  She called me crying asking me, “Why?”

There is 2 sides to every story:

1: I don’t know his side of the story, I don’t really talk to him.

2: I know her very well and I understand how she feels.

3: We’re going to take the outside perspective to analyze the whole thing.

A little background on him for you all: I’ve known him for a few years and I’ve noticed he’s very much the “Unsure Guy.” He worries and kind of gets scared for everything. So when I found out she was dating him I was a little surprised because she is usually more attracted to the “Ambitious, Know What I’m Doing” kind of guy.  In his credit though he does have a great personality that let’s you slightly excuse the whole demeanor (I did say slightly) and honestly, after everything they’ve been though, they have that connection.

So if I try to view the situation from his part, I would assume he’s just unsure about the situation because in reality it is a big decision. I would think he is probably worried about the financial, the 24/7 living arrangement, and the fact that he has never lived with anyone before so he’s going way out of his comfort zone. He told my friend that he is scared that something might go wrong and they could break up. MISTAKE! BIG MISTAKE! Now if you are a guy reading this, that is something you don’t ever say directly to the person you are about to move in with! That’s something you talk to your friends about!  And if you have already made the decision to move in with a person then that doubt should have already entered and left the mind.

Now my friend, being the girl that she is, got really worried about the whole thing for a number of reasons: He’s already put the words “break-up” into her mind. She’s already running different scenarios in her head. “What if he wants to break-up? What if he met someone? What if he’s cheating on me? What if he met someone and he wants me leave me for her? And WHAT IF THIS DOESN’T WORK OUT?” The words of doubt are already there.  I advised her to take some time without talking to him, and when the two of them are ready, they need to sit down and really talk this whole thing out.  Let him release all his doubts, fears and worries, and she needs to do the same thing.  They were both sure enough to pick a place and start buying necessities, they should both be sure enough to proceed.  They need to have enough belief in each other to not be scared of the unknown.

I understand that any guy could have doubt, any girl for that matter. But break-ups happen, separations happen, divorces happen. We are living in an era where if you don’t want to be with a person anymore, you don’t have to be. Divorce is as common now as deciding on a movie. My point here is that there is no guarantee in anything. There will never be a real answer to “How do you know?” You just have to think that person is worth taking the risk for and enjoy the ride while it lasts, whether it’s for a year, 5 years or for the lucky few, the rest of your lives.

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One Response to “How do you know?”

  1. LA Reader August 12, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    How do you know? When you understand, with all of your heart and soul, that you aren’t merely settling for a person — but that you want a future with them — a life. Something to build on together, in unison.

    You don’t commit to loose clothing. It has to fit in order to feel and look good. If you go with something because it feels comfortable, but it never gets tailored — you’re in trouble.

    This is a big conversation that should be had before going forward. And my heart goes out to anyone who has to have it. But love should overcome. “Take me as I am.” If you can get a “Yes” to that, good things will come from it. But it has to be MUTUAL.

    Those are my two cents.

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