Saturday Night & A Bottle of Wine

9 Oct

World, I am back! I couldn’t be happier ūüôā If you were a follower at some point or have EVER been on this page or you’ve just stumbled upon it, welcome/welcome back!¬† So much has changed in my life since my last post and I hope the same for all of you.¬† Let’s see, Ella changed towns and has moved into a new place so that means new ideas and better, fresher posts for you all.¬† I still ask for the generosity you all have given me of reading my posts and commenting and sending me your e-mails because as I’ve always said, without you, I don’t exist.¬† So here I am, in my new home, in my new room… A glass of wine next to me and my laptop on to reach out to you again.¬† I don’t have much of a post to send out but what I’d like to say is: Don’t settle.¬† Whether you’re after them, they’re after you, if it’s not everything you thought it was going to be; Don’t go for it! Something is wrong.¬† You shouldn’t have to settle on a situation before it even starts so just wait and see… As hard as it sounds, wait!¬† I know some of you will connect with that immediately, some won’t but all of you heed my words!

Until next time!….

Taking the Initiative

18 Aug

Hey Y’all, long time no write huh?¬† Well Ella Whatever was feeling a little under the weather but I am back and better now so let’s get to it! ūüôā

So often I’m asked/told about a guy/girl who likes someone but they seem to always be dancing around the whole truth of the matter. WHY?? When you like someone, why is it so hard to put yourself out there?¬† All I ever hear are excuses as to why changes are not being made.

Example 1:

They¬†just got out of a long-term relationship “awhile” ago and I’m not sure¬†they’re¬†emotionally ready. *awhile being any timeframe*

My theory on long-term relationships is when they go sour and they finally come to an end, it’s really about time.¬† I’ve noticed a lot of times that one,¬†if not¬†both, checked out of that relationship looong ago and just stuck it through out of comfort and security. When the feelings of sexual emotional attachment are usually done, then they are just in a really nice friendship.¬† Chances are¬†they’re more emotionally ready to move on than you think.

Example 2:

They were together so long, they’ll probably end up back together.

This goes two ways here: Either Yes, they will OR No, they won’t.¬† You can only repeat the same relationship for so long before it is over. Plus, how can you expect them to know¬†how you¬†feel if you don’t give them the¬†pleasure of knowing¬†how YOU feel. They need to know the¬†options are there otherwise you’re going to be sulking behind your grin as you wave bye to them and their next date.

They are still in a relationship.

Now this is a touchy subject here.¬† I’ll give you that. BUT I do believe, All is Fair in Love and War. If you are more compatible and emotionally equipped to be with this person, then go for it.¬† You don’t find the right one unless you date a bunch of wrongs! And you certainly don’t do that by drawing out every relationship into an era otherwise you end up settling! Now I get it, you are trying to be respectful but you have to play a little dirty to win in the end.

My whole point here with these scenarios, when you want it, get it. The worst that can ever happen is they don’t feel the same and rejection can and does happen. But I’d rather get rejected than always wonder if I could have gotten the relationship on my own.¬† There is no reason anymore to wonder if fate is going to play in our favor, if the daisy told us they loved us, karma’s going to reward me, or if you’re just waiting¬†to see if they’ll ever make the move.¬† Something you have to remember,¬†as much as technology and science has educated us and brought our¬†intelligence up, people are still dense and some don’t have a clue with love.¬† Do yourself a favor and¬†hit¬†them with the knowledge!

How do you know?

11 Aug

When¬†you are dating someone for sometime, how do you know when it’s worth taking the “next step?” Now this “next step” can be moving in together, getting engaged, moving cities/states.. whatever.¬† It’s a bigger committment than what you’ve already had.¬† The question has been heavy on my mind lately, as I wrote in an earlier post, I do have 2 friends both recently engaged. With Friend A, they have a great relationship, they have that connection you look for.¬† So, it was no surprise that he was the one that made the move and popped the question.¬† With Friend B, they have a more common relationship I should say? If common is the right word.¬† I don’t believe they have that connection but they are happy enough¬†with each other when things are going well.¬† She was the one though that had to kind of persist and pursue the whole engagement but he did eventually surprise her and propose.¬† Now to be fair, this is the same relationship I mentioned in the earlier post that does have infidelity in it so really it makes sense why their relationship just doesn’t seem ideal to me. Now I have another friend, Friend C who recently decided with her boyfriend that they were going to make that “next step” and move in together.¬† There is no engagement between them. They’re just ready for a bigger committment.¬† They picked out an apartment, started buying stuff in preparation for it (they’re on a waiting list), but now it seems that he might be getting cold feet about the whole thing and he mentioned that to her.¬† She called me crying asking me, “Why?”

There is 2 sides to every story:

1: I don’t know his side of the story, I don’t really talk to him.

2: I know her very well and I understand how she feels.

3:¬†We’re going to¬†take the¬†outside perspective to analyze the whole thing.

A little background on him for you all: I’ve known him for a few years¬†and I’ve noticed¬†he’s very much the “Unsure Guy.” He worries and kind of gets scared for everything. So when I found out she was dating him I was a little surprised because she is usually more attracted to the “Ambitious, Know What I’m Doing” kind of guy.¬† In his credit though he does have a great personality that let’s you slightly excuse the whole demeanor (I did say slightly) and honestly, after everything they’ve been though, they have that connection.

So if I try to view the situation from his part, I would assume he’s just unsure about the situation because in reality it is a big decision. I would think he is probably worried about the financial, the 24/7 living arrangement, and the fact that he has never lived with anyone before so he’s going way out of his comfort zone. He told my friend that he is scared that something might go wrong and they could break up. MISTAKE! BIG MISTAKE! Now if you are a guy reading this, that is something you don’t ever say directly to the person you are about to move in with! That’s something you talk to your friends about!¬† And if you have already made the decision to move in with a person then that doubt should have already entered and left the mind.

Now my friend, being the girl that she is, got really worried about the whole thing for a number of reasons: He’s already put the words “break-up” into her mind. She’s already running different scenarios¬†in her head. “What if he wants to break-up? What if he met someone? What if he’s cheating on me? What if he met someone and he wants me leave me for her? And WHAT IF THIS DOESN’T WORK OUT?” The words of doubt are already there.¬† I advised her to take some time without talking to him, and when the two of them are ready, they need to sit down and really talk this whole thing out.¬† Let him release all his doubts, fears¬†and worries, and she needs to do the same thing.¬† They were both sure enough to pick¬†a place and start buying necessities, they should¬†both be sure enough to proceed.¬† They need to have¬†enough belief in each other to not¬†be scared of the unknown.

I understand that any guy could have doubt, any girl for that matter. But break-ups happen, separations happen, divorces happen. We are living in an era where if you don’t want to be with a person anymore, you don’t have to be. Divorce is as common now as deciding on a movie. My point here is that there is no guarantee in anything. There will never be a real answer to “How do you know?” You just have to think that person is worth taking the risk for and enjoy the ride while it lasts, whether it’s for a year, 5 years or for the lucky few, the rest of your lives.

Decompression

9 Aug

I know I said I would blog about Romance ideas but I’m going to save that for another day this week.¬† I recently had a question submitted to me and I’m going to address that first because it’s a bit different from what we’ve talked about so far.

Hey Ella,

I clicked on your site because of craigslist.com and I read from your first blog that you would address any topic. Well, I’m a workaholic, I write on the side, and well between my work life, and home life I just don’t have time for anything and I stress out.¬† There’s always something going on in my head, there’s always something that I need to do.¬† I work all day, get home late and pick up before unwinding for bed. Weekends, I try to see friends, and catch up with reality.¬† A love life is something that I¬†hear¬†about¬†but am far from having¬†one.¬† I guess what my question is what can I do to help with the stresses in my life and maybe find a little time for me?

Anonymous Male in Seattle

First off, thank you for submitting this question. I enjoy helping my readers with love and guys/girls but you are a fresh reminder of why I started this site.¬† I am The Modern Therapist and you are who I am here for so I’m really excited that I get to cover different topics with you all.¬† And please let me put that out as a reminder once again. I am here for you.

If you happen to be a new reader who has encountered¬†my page through craigslist, stumble upon, word of mouth, however! Thank you for viewing and please read my first blog here or¬†check out¬†the “About part of my page. Now let’s get to it.

Seattle,

First thing you need to remember is you are human.¬† We can’t juggle everything that we’d like to do. By what you wrote, it’s obvious you are a busy person. I would suggest kind of making a planner or a chart of everything to you do.¬† It doesn’t have to be one that you strictly live by but for now just so you can visually see everything you do on a daily basis, everything you have to do, and everything you want to do.¬† Unfortunately, we only have 7 days to a week. I’m gonna take a guess and say Monday through Friday are the work days.¬† Now I don’t know how much time you have once you get home but try to¬†take at least 1 hr of that time just for you! Use it to read, write, jog, walk, just something that will clear your head from your day and don’t talk to anyone, let this be an hr that is completely dedicated to you and you alone. On weekends, use a each day for something different.¬† Fridays hang with friends, Saturdays make an errand day and hang out in public places where you can meet people (Meeting DIFFERENT people by the way is the only way to reach a love life)!¬† Sundays try to make that Seattle’s day, your day where you do whatever the hell you want! Basically, you need to try to time manage your day-to-day¬†life to try to ease the stresses of just breathing. One large tip I can give you though is to surround yourself with things that you like, whether it’s a¬†certain scent or music, keep those around you to ease the tension and keep your balance and harmony.

Hello Romance, Can you hear me?

8 Aug

So I remember when I was younger, watching all those romantic comedies, I couldn’t wait to get older and be romanced like the way it’s done on movies; then I grew up and saw that it’s not really like that. I thought maybe it was the guy I was dating until it turned out to be all the guys I was dating and all the guys my friends were dating. I¬†remember seeing¬†an episode of Sex and The City and couln’t stop laughing.¬† It was the one where Carrie is dating the Russian and he tries dancing with her outside in front of the orchestra and she faints! He picks her up and asks her if she is ok and she responds with, “No. It’s too much. I’m an American. You’ve got to tone it down.”¬†Have we¬†as a country lost sight of what romance is? Or is it just that the times have changed? Or have guys just become lazy on the whole thing?I’d like to get your thoughts.

On tomorrow’s blog I’m gonna post some subtle hints you can use to bring romance back in your relationship or how to put it in to it. I’m also gonna post up some more questions from readers.

Monogamy: Fact and Fiction

5 Aug

Ok, so my take on the situation. I’d say Fact! Let me rephrase that, Fact with Conditions. You see I do think monogamy is still practiced but I believe it’s a dying art these days.¬† ¬†It also doesn’t help when TV and Movies¬†romanticize¬†affairs! They make it seem like it’s fun and adventurous¬†to cheat on¬†your partner.¬† And people are so consumed with facial and physicality that they jump into a relationship merely based off of¬†looks¬†but they’re not getting a connection.¬†So why stay with that person if there is no spiritual or emotional connection?¬†I’m thinking¬†sexual attraction is what drives most couples because I’ve noticed these days that people don’t seem to go off of the “good personality” charm anymore. They want the tall, good looking ones that go to the gym or the petite, model types with the subtle, toned bodies. So when they start their new venture, the looks of¬†it all starts to¬†phase out, and¬†one or the other ends up cheating on their partner. But why cheat instead of break up?¬†Because they are already comfortable with that person so they stick around! It’s always easier to stay with the person you are already used to, then having to start all over in the dating pool.¬† I did a survey on couples around the city¬†and I was a little¬†surprised¬†with¬†the results.¬†The¬†couples that claimed to have a monogamous relationship also claimed to have a deep connection with that person and seemed to be genuinely happy. I was reminded that beauty¬†IS only skin deep and at the end of the day you just want to be with that person that makes you feel good.¬†It’s more about a¬†1 on 1 connection with that person, to be able to laugh with them, cry with them and be real.¬† Now to be fair, the whole statistic of the “monogamous couple” was very bleak. In fact, every 3 out of 5 couples had cheated on each other and at least 2 out of every 5 claimed to not have much in common with the other person.¬†But for the lucky 40% out there, it left me with hope that the¬†monogamous type is still out there and the trend¬†could steadily¬†be on the rise again.

Monogamy: Fact or Fiction?

4 Aug

Two of my good friends are both engaged to be married (Yay!).¬† One has been in their relationship for 9 years, the other 6.¬† If you had to guess which couple stayed monogamous who would it be? You were wrong.. It was the 9 year one! Both of my friends claim to be very happy with their significant others but Friend B¬†continuously cheated on their boyfriend even after accepting the engagement. The question is just there, “Why?” She claims that it started because he had cheated on her previously (dated, broken up, got back together) and it was like a form of revenge BUT if it was just revenge shouldn’t¬†it have stopped¬†after the¬†first time, more so, was¬†revenge even relevent to the situation? When you agree to¬†get back with an ex, you are agreeing¬†to forgive, forget, and accept the past and start new with that person.. OBVIOUSLY since you thought they were good enough to get back with!¬†The questions kept running around in my head and got me thinking, Is there still such thing as monogamy or just monogamy until the spark runs thin?

I’m curious to know what you all think.. Post your comments and I’ll give my opinion on the situation on tomorrow’s blog!

Brighter than Sunshine

3 Aug

This question really touched me because the person reminds me so much of my best friend.  He is such an extradinarily beautiful man who for some reason waits for love instead of going after it. I wish he saw what I see in him and hopefully this blog is a refresher.

Lost in LA

¬†Dear Ella–

I met a guy who I am convinced is my soulmate. We are great friends, and the more I get to know him, the more special he becomes to me. I’m in this very deep. The problem: he is dating another guy. The timing is so off, it’s not even funny. I feel like the universe is playing a bad joke on me. But I know deep down there’s a strong connection between us — always a great foundation for a friendship, but I know with time it could lead to more. So…am I fooling myself? How do I minimize this heartache?¬†

The universe always has a way of playing jokes on us. They say everything happens for a reason and we all question that more than we believe it I‚Äôm sure. The thing with timing is I just don‚Äôt invest in it. I, myself always make a timeline of when I want something done or accomplished and it almost never happens that way but somehow still has a way of working itself out even if it‚Äôs not that perfect way that I wanted. So as for this soulmate, I‚Äôm gonna ask and I know it‚Äôs hard but have you actually expressed your feelings to this guy? Not subtle hints or flirty¬†messages but really had the ‚Äúheart to heart‚ÄĚ that we all fear doing? My guess is no.. And if you haven‚Äôt, why haven‚Äôt you? I‚Äôm sure you‚Äôre scared of what that would lead to, good OR bad but if there is already a strong connection and a deep friendship between the two of you then I think you owe it to him to let him know all his options. Maybe it will not lead to anything except the friendship that you already carry BUT and I do mean BUT, it will plant the seed of what a possible future could be between the two of you and it will release you from the feelings you are choking on. I don‚Äôt think you are fooling yourself though, we as humans have it in our nature to know when we feel something is there as well as when that person flickers an inkling of interest back. My suggestion, if he truly means as much to you as you say, do the heart to heart but when you are ready. Collect your thoughts, collect your feelings and sit on the words for awhile until you do this. In the mean time, keep living and when I say living, I mean do things, get out, meet people, have fun. Life is to live not just to exist.

And go..

2 Aug

So I want to thank you all for your interest but most importantly for your questions.. That’s what I strive off of. There were only a couple of questions¬†but you know for the first day, not bad. I mean, I get it.. Maybe you’re uneasy, brand new site, never heard of me, or the whole “What if someone actually recognizes my question and knows who I am?!” Ahh!! I get it,¬†it’s fine.¬† If you have a concern or¬†a request on how you’re addressed, let me know. I am here to work with you and¬†we will figure out together¬†how to address your question!¬†So without further ado here we go!

 

Mindy from Chicago

I met this guy, we talked, we clicked, we exchanged numbers. I hadn’t heard from him after a few days so I decided to call him, he answered said he’d call me back and he didn’t.¬† After he didn’t call back the next day I tried calling him again and I’ve become more familiar with his voicemail than him. Why do guys go through the whole process if they’re not even going to talk to you?

The thing with guys Mindy, they love the “game.” Maybe this guy was single, maybe he was in a relationship, it really doesn’t matter because his plan was never to follow through with you.¬† As sad as it is to say, you may have just been a mark on his tally sheet for that week, hell even that day.¬† My suggestion, play the game back; the ones that call are the ones worth knowing.

 

And so it begins…

1 Aug

Hi! This is my first day going live and I want to tell you that I‚Äôm here for you. Now, first off, I am not a licensed therapist, I‚Äôm not here to cure your problems, I‚Äôm just a person here to be the outside perspective on whatever it is you want to say. Now I know what you‚Äôre thinking, ‚ÄúWhat exactly makes this girl special?‚ÄĚ Honestly, nothing. But I‚Äôm here and I can relate to you and you can relate to me.¬† This isn‚Äôt your standard therapy. You‚Äôre not going to be laying on a couch while I hold on to a clipboard, (you thinking I‚Äôm writing notes, me actually hiding my Ipad playing Angry Birds), you‚Äôre going to tell me what‚Äôs on your mind, and I‚Äôll reciprocate. I‚Äôll listen, I‚Äôll respond, we‚Äôll chat about ‚Äúit,‚ÄĚ whatever ‚Äúit‚ÄĚ may be‚Ķ¬† Relationships, Family, School, Work, whatever‚Ķ You don‚Äôt want to talk about your problems with family/friends cause it‚Äôs too personal? Talk to me, I‚Äôm a complete stranger. What do you have to lose? So sit back, read the questions from other followers, and ask your own. Enjoy!

Ella Whatever.